Sunday, 12 July 2009, 6:50 pm
Today, a normal Sunday, i should have studying all the shit i can put it into my mind by now, but instead of studying, i am here, updating my blog. I do not know why, every time when i wanted to push myself to study, the harder i push the harder i neglected. Is it something to do with my laziness? Or is it something to do with my stud momentum? Guess it is both. I felt that i had abandoned study since a long time ago and now although i am here again to study ; the feeling of me wanted to study is like totally banished. I just do not seemed to have the mood to study at all. Everybody said, keep your study on high spirit, on schedule, and after you started your engine, keep your speed and momentum consistently, so that you will do it everyday. But now for me, it is like so fucking hard for me to do it. I had two test next week, Monday and Tuesday, and after that i have to do my 5 minutes presentation. What is wrong with me now, i seriously do not know. I was studying in the past 1 hour, but it seems like the tings that i have read through just don't flow into my brain. Guess i have ruts all over my brain. I got no idea how i can polish up my studies, especially maths, i think i am fucked too. I know the midterm exam is important, but i just do not have the will to study. I know it myself too, but i just do not know why i do not have the will. I played too much already, i know it is the time, the time has come for me to study again, everybody deserves a second chance, this is my second chance, as my future lies untold, still kinda blur thou, i told myself that i needed to appreciate this second chance. This is seriously my last chance already, if i still do not change my way as it was before, i will be seriously fucked as i mentioned before. As i know, the journey to my future is still a long way to go, indeed a long long way to go, my future is untold, i can't see bright light in it, just blank and peoples do told me that our future lies on our hand, what you do today will affect how you will be in your future, that's true. Mostly peoples by my age now had already done something meaningful at lease, but me, i am still here, stuck in nowhere, straggle in the middle. This is just like, i am still a blank paper, white paper, there are no marks at all on it. This is the question that i seriously wondered all the time, how to and how can i make my life meaningful? i had failed myself, i did nothing in my whole life, i achieved nothing. Currently, my feelings are like mixed up, i felt that i should do something, at the least just study, but in the meantime i felt like giving up all the time. Shit. Am i content with losing? am i just some loser that fated to do nothing in my whole life? I mean seriously who doesn't want a good life, who doesn't want to have success? I am trying hard. I am now struggling within myself. There are nobody that can help me now, i am the one who can help myself, but it is like so hard for me to make it, God please give me the strength that i need to continue and go on. Sorry i know i am greedy to ask more, but i seriously do not have any other choices left, i just need some strength to go on with my current life. I know life i like a race, there are alot of obstacles, many times i fell down. I finally threw everything that i ever wanted to say here once again. A breathe of relief is te feeling that i felt now. Maybe i should just continue my studies now. Goodluck! I wished to myself for the upcoming test and presentation. Lastly, do i looked like i am in need of some kinda motivation?